I am an Enneagram Two, and I help because I truly love to help. A “healthy” two can ask for help and offer help out of a place of gratitude with healthy boundaries. When I’m “unhealthy,” I help because I have guilt and selfish ambition.
I’m prompted to share about this because I have recently worked with several women who are exhausted because of the mental and physical battle of feeling like they “have to” do things and their time isn’t their own. And it’s wearing them down to the point of tears.
Are you giving your time away out of gratitude or guilt?
How can it be that we serve others to our own detriment? We want to help and serve, but we end up feeling like we have no control as to if we can say yes or no. The words “I should” and the guilt drive our choices, not the truth.
The gremlins in our brains tell us:
- I have to be the one to do it.
- I have to say yes or they’ll be offended/disappointed.
- I have to stop what I’m doing to help them.
- I have to sacrifice my time for them.
- I can’t get things done because I’ll get interrupted.
- I have to stay late so they know I care.
- I have to give up my schedule for them.
- I can’t have boundaries because they need me.
- I have to keep it because they gave it to me.
- I can’t be on time because they needed more attention.
- I can’t take care of my needs because I have to be there for them.
- I can’t work on my list because I have to be available for them.
- I can’t exercise because that feels selfish to have time for myself.
- I don’t want to disappoint anyone.
- I don’t want to let them down.
Relate to any of these?
These are the statements of the self-LESS women I work with. And statements I’ve said many times myself. Our motives are pure because we want to “be it all” and “do it all.”
The thoughts swim around in your head. I’m not doing enough. I’m present enough. I should be different. Those are lies to make us believe we can’t have control of our days and time.
When we think rationally, we understand they are LIES, LIES, LIES. But it’s so hard to ignore. And to change.
We can rationally talk through circumstances of better self-care and self-talk, but what can change to be free from the weight?
Our mindset needs to be healthy to serve and give as intended. And we can’t change our behaviors and habits until we change our way of thinking.
How do we change our mindset?
Unfortunately, it’s a process and it doesn’t happen overnight. But take one circumstance at a time and slowly we can adjust.
Ideas to start making changes:
- Start the day with quiet time and centering your mind and spirit.
- Set up boundaries and expectations so it’s clear what/when you can and can’t do for others.
- Build in support and accountability so you’re not doing it alone.
- Be clear on your values so every action, thought, and choice is aligned with who you want to show up as.
- Be your own advocate so you can be one for others. (self-care!)
- Know your priorities for the day so you can look back and know you’ve honored them.
- Honor your yes and your no. Be firm. People won’t hate you. They may even learn from you.
- Be aware of the triggers and have an action or phrase you can go to help guide your response.
- Respect your own time like you respect others.
- Gain more self-knowledge to build your inner confidence.
- Be proactive instead of reactive in your day-to-day interactions and tasks.
- Embrace a mindset of gratitude (amazing how it transforms your heart and mind!)
- Pray for guidance and discernment.
What helps you be confident and firm in how you give your time away so it’s not out of guilt and obligation?
It's time to start sharing your time with gratitude and contentment!
Are you nodding your head as you read through this? Then you are in the right place. If you want change and need guidance to get started, let’s chat! Being clear on life makes you more efficient, less overwhelmed, and full of peace.
It’s time to start giving your time away with gratitude and contentment!
